The Circumference of Meats

This is the theory or rule: The tighter the meat's perimeter, the tangier the meat shall be. 

Is this true? I think so. Let's take a look at bologna, a bland meat. It is nowhere as tasty as a pepperoni, which to the naked eye, is a much thinner meat (in circumference) than bologna. Bologna manufactures know this to be true as well. It is for this reason that they pepper in pimento into pimento'd bologna. The pimentos act as small flavor pockets in order to keep you believing in the meat-piece you're eating. 

FACT: If plain bologna were any greater in circumference, nobody would eat it. These meat folks know what they're doing. You'd never witness the act of pimentoing within a meat under two-inches in circumference. You just wouldn't! Also, everyone knows that you'd never, ever(!) put mustard on a pepperoni meat-piece. But bologna however, nearly demands to be covered in the tangiest of condiments. Mustard shouldn't even have its own name designation and simply go by "Bologna enhancer." 

Kudos to Ketchup, by the way, for never being seen in the presence of bologna. But you know where you'll find tomato sauce (Ketchup's Italian cousin)? That's right, on a pizza, right next to the pepperoni. Mustard is the sellout, pussy-ass bitch of condiments. Even hotdogs know this. That's why corndogs were invented; because hotdogs demanded a barrier of cornmeal to be put between themselves and the mustard in the interest of dignity! 

If you agree with these points/facts, please write me and louden the echo chamber even further. If you don't agree, fuck all the way off into the distance. Thanks.